By now, we’ve all seen the many conspiracy theories about the coronavirus pandemic floating around (Plandemic, anyone?), but medical conspiracy theories are nothing new. In fact, most of the anti-vaccine movement is predicated on a couple of them, which are getting a lot of attention right now:
1) Pharmaceutical companies are big, money-grabbing corporations (which is arguably true) and therefore doctors and medical associations recommend people get vaccinated are all part of the Big Pharma conspiracy to fool the masses into paying them big money (arguably not true).
2) There’s a bigger, more nefarious plot organized by some evil player (ahem, Bill Gates) to vaccinate people in an attempt to depopulate the world or control the masses somehow, and the pandemic is just a planned rouse to give the medical “establishment” an excuse to carry out the dastardly plan.
I’m sure there are other somewhat related ones, but one thing they all seem to have in common is an underlying assumption that most doctors are willing to go against their “do no harm” oath in order to stash some cash. That seems like a terribly negative view of doctors and humanity in general, but that’s how conspiracy theories work—they play on people’s fears and amplify skepticism to outrageous proportions.
Dr. David Young, a hospital care specialist in the Chicago area, shared a breakdown of his daily schedule in a COVID ward to illustrate what these conspiracy theories sound like when you take them out of the chatroom/YouTube information bubble in which they fester. And you have to admit, the absurdity really does come through.
A lot of people have been asking me what it’s like being on the COVID wards in the hospital, so I figured I’d share what a typical day looks like for me:
6 a.m. Wake up. Roll off of my pile of money that Big Pharma gave me. Softly weep as it doesn’t put a dent in my medical school loans
6:30 a.m. Make breakfast, using only foods from the diet that gives me everlasting life by avoiding all fats, sugars, carbs, and proteins. For details buy my book and check out my shop.
7 a.m. Get to work, load up my syringes with coronavirus before rounds.
8 a.m. See my patients for the day. Administer the medications that the government tells me to. Covertly rub essential oils on the ones I want to get better.
9:30 a.m. Call Bill Gates to check how 5G tower construction is going, hoping for more coronavirus soon. He tells me they’re delayed due to repairs on the towers used to spread the Black Plague. Curse the fact that this is the most efficient way to spread infectious diseases.
10 a.m. One patient tells me he knows “the truth” about coronavirus. I give him a Tdap booster. He becomes autistic in front of my eyes. He’ll never conspire against me again.
11 a.m. Tend to the secret hospital garden of St. John’s wort and ginkgo leaves that we save for rich patients and donors.
12:30 p.m. Pick up my briefcase of money from payroll, my gift from Pfizer for the incomprehensible profits we make off of the free influenza vaccine given every year.
1 p.m. Conference call with Dr. Fauci and the lab in Wuhan responsible for manufacturing viruses. Tell them my idea about how an apocalypse-style zombie virus would be a cool one to try for the next batch.
2 p.m. A patient starts asking me about getting rid of toxins. I ask her if she has a liver and kidneys. She tells me she knows “the truth” about Big Anatomy and that the only way to detoxify herself is to eat nothing but lemon wedges and mayonnaise for weeks. I give her a Tdap booster.
2:45 p.m. Help the FBI, CIA, and CDC silence the masses. Lament the fact that I can only infringe on one or two of their rights. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.
4pm – One of my rich patients begins to crash. Laugh as I realize I’ve mismatched her spirit animal and zodiac moon sign. I switch out the Purple Amethyst above her bed for a Tiger’s Eye geode. She stabilizes. I throw some ginkgo leaves on her for good measure
6pm – Go onto YouTube and see coronavirus conspiracy videos everywhere. Curse my all powerful government for how inept they are at keeping people from spreading “the truth”
6:10pm – Go onto Amazon and see that a book about “the truth” is the #1 seller this week. Question the power of my all powerful government. Make a reminder to myself to get more Tdap boosters from the Surgeon General next time we talk.
7pm – Time to go home. Before I leave, sacrifice a goat to Dr. Fauci and say three Hippocratic Oaths.
9pm – Take a contented sigh as I snuggle under the covers made of the tinfoil hats of my enemies, realizing that my 4 years of medical school and 3 years of residency training have been put to good use today.
Snort. Even as someone who uses essential oils and herbal treatments for some things, I found this hilarious. That really does seem to be close to what some conspiracy-minded folks think doctors do all day.
The reality is that the vast majority of doctors really do go into medicine to help people and would not tacitly go along with any evil plots to harm even one person, much less mass numbers of people. While there are legitimate discussions and debates to be had about pharmaceutical medicine vs. alternative medicine vs. natural medicine for various ailments, as soon as we get into evil plots and conspiracy territory, those legitimate discussions lose all credibility.
Doctors on the front line are dealing with enough right now. They really shouldn’t have to be fending off absurd ideas about them lying and scheming en masse to fill their own pockets or bring the world to ruin.